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Secrets?

The truth is

 

I am not happy

I wish Id be

I dont think Ill ever be happy

becuse I wont let me

I am afraid of everything

I cant eat

I wont eat

I wish you could be here

Im happy youre not

I dont feel whole

I dont know what I want

I miss cutting

I have a scalpell in my room

I wont throw it away

If I do, Ill get a new one

I feel safer with it

I am not happier without hurting myself

I feel so alone

I dont think I can save myself

But I hope so much one day everythings over

I lost 20 pounds

The scale lies

Noone sees it

Im afraid of purging

so I decided to starve

It hurts

I cant let go

I wont be happy because Im too weak to let go

I want to be thin

I want people to look after me

I am afraid of dying

And thinking about suicide

I know I will never be thin enough

I just cant stop

I dont want anyone to worry about me

I am not worth it

It breaks my heart to hurt my boyfriend

I think about leaving him because I dont want to do this to him

I dont want him to see me fading away

I think in Hamburg everything will be better

Im afraid it wont

Ill never get to know because Im stuck here

I hate the town I live in

I want to give up but somethings wont let me

I want to bleed again

I am not allowed

I dont want to be strong

I want to feel myself again

I want to breakdown 

And I want him to hold me and fix me after it

I miss him as bad as hell

I cant show

I am cruel

I hope for some reason to cut

I hate myself because I did not once

I am not proud of being strong

I wont be proud if I cut

I am never proud of myself

I feel like shit

I like to feel my bones

Im exited for the day they will show clearly

Starving is what I am proud of (Its the only thing)

I want to be happy so badly

I was happy these days

I pray for them to come again

I am afraid of them to come again

I am afraid of eating

I feel worthless if I do eat

I dont feel like Im good in anything else

I dont feel good enough

Im praying hell find some girl that wont make him sad

Im praying he wont

I dont think he understands me

I know hes doing his best

I dont think anyone understands me

I dont even do it myself

Sometimes I think everythings my fault

If I were better I would be happy

Im just to weak

I blame my dad for whats happening to me

Even though I know its not his fault

I hate god because he let this happen

I wish I could restart my life

I wish this never happened

I wish Id be happy

I feel worthless

I am not good enough

It still hurts to think of them

I want everything to stop

I want to be numb sometimes

I want to feel nothing

I think that I think to much

Once I thought Id be happy if I find someone to love me

I found him and Im still not happy

I wonder what still has to happen

I blame myself for not getting better

I dont know what is missing

I think Im just a fucking failure

Sometimes I wish Id be dead

I wish noone would love me so that I could go

I think Im selfish

I dont know what to do anymore

I want to cut so that just for a few minutes I dont have the wish to do so

I just feel lost

 

 

14.6.09 15:15
 


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